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Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Confession

I'm Gay. I have to say this as the main point why I've created a blog.

The revelation and reflection that I want to remind myself has been a challenge to speak up and to live rightfully just any normal sexes would be,  That's because we live in a country where belief is strongly bonded with Catholicism and hypocrisy.

I've been living a lie for the last time I knew I was. People, relatives has been asking me "why I don't have a girlfriend" when will I "marry". all kinds of questions that I think to question my sexuality.  " He has a lot of priorities" "Hes too preoccupied with his life!" "defensively replied by my mum's at the conversation" then I slowly shied away.

I don't know why people think that 20+ is the best age to get marry! I don't get it. The fact that you only had a few years building your career and you think its already the best time to get tied up? Why cant people think that the best time to settle is when you really get over with being single. When you have enough to sustain another life or capabilities to move out w/o burdening your parents.

Getting married or having a girlfriend is a very sensitive topic in my family. I guess that's why my 3 brothers all got married. We're not allowed to talk to any girls or open any opinion or else you will be opposed. that's why my clever brothers had their girlfriends pregnant. they think that that's the only way they can get out of those rules.

Now the focus is on me,

15 years ago, I thought I'm not normal. I never felt anything special or so called "Crush" to anyone opposite. I don't feel any emotions toward sexes. until my family moved to the province due to health and business reasons. That's where I grew up. It was in my sophomore year  that I fell in love with a classmate. his name is Royce. He's tall lean and the most loudest of my classmates, he's intelligent but just like any other boys he doesn't put it on good use. He used to tease me with being thin and weakly, he used to make fun of my group being the studious and cowardly. That's how it all all started then the roller coaster ride started to run.

I've been waiting for the right time to write about this. I told myself that I will write whatever comes to my mind, at the most relax state as possible.

To cut this shorts, I would write all my sentiments that require my own opinions posted.

Friday, January 13, 2012

How it went out today

It took me a couple of days to compose my thoughts. I tried cultivating my mind on how to express myself and regain concentration. So earlier I shied away from playing my PS3 and my MMORPG games and just sit back and read a book, In our shelf is a wide variety of reading materials, from children's books, puzzles, almanacs to complicated medical, engineering and magazines dating 1980's. It brought me back to the past when my parents are hauling these books! 

I took one of my favorite series from Hardy Boys #70 The Infinity clue and brought it to my room. I was reading through a couple of pages and find myself asleep. Waking up frustrated, I went down the kitchen hall and scavenge some left overs to satisfy my hunger, I had a good gulp of cold water. I didn't notice that its not a water but a cold white tea my mum makes everyday, my tongue failed to recognized if its a water or a tea after a couple of tiring lick-slaps. Finally I felt carbs are kickin-in so I decided to take a bath. 

It took me a while to orient myself on what to do, I sat on the poop chair for a few minutes staring atop the window, until I finally decide to open the shower and let the water gushed in. I was finally done and took my towels and hurried changing stuff. I changed the sheets and tidy the bed a little and went out.

I felt so relaxed that day. Adding how the shades of the sunset gets bigger. I never looked at the clock. I didn't look at my phone. I didn't bother the school buses coming back and forth the street signifying how time ends for the day. I didn't bother the shade getting bigger as the sun sets forth. I called it a day. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Waking up

Morning Cold and chaos in the kitchen woke me up. Sound of busy family members preparing for their day. I got awake after getting a kiss from my youngest sister whose going to school. Its 7:00 o'clock in the morning. I moved to my room and take a nap until I got fully recovered.

I woke up lunch time. Felt the cold for this hour which is good. I start my day with emails, a stick of cigarette, and   a glass of cold water. Good thing my mum's not around since she will really get mad at me seeing how I function, she also gave me a warning on catching me with a cigarette. I still find it threatening. 

I stumble upon some few writings that I had, I laughed when I saw my Last post was January 2011 and seeing the recent one yesterday also falls on the same month. I guess I'm too pre occupied with my thoughts or just bumming around with my messing with it. Please forgive me with my writing. I'm still picking up myself.  The way I think now is a kind of result that I wanted. I keep on telling myself to " forget it, forget it" which made my brain to have a short term memory loss. I taught myself not to think much,  and  I'm recuperating now.

Now back to Basics. There's a huge restructuring that I need to do on my Blog, The tittle doesn't sound right since I haven' made any inputs yet relating to tittle. I need to work my thoughts and collaborate my emotions.  

I'll start my day right with a good reading. 
Have a Great Day Everyone. 

Random Thoughts

When I started blogging. I told my self that I will  make this my bitch wall. I aim to create a place where I can vent and curse those who screwed me up, explain how bad my day was, curse those who made me feel awful and blame myself for why those things had happen. It all started when I bumped on this self help book on how to keep things calm and to manage the pressure within corporate jungle. Collated self help tips from an ally cousin of mine that truly understands and has been my confidant for quite some time now.

I'm battling depression for quite some time now, I thought I was on my way to recovery until I felt I'm going on a relapse. It all started after signing a job at this highly technical company. My everyday routine has been a struggle, taking a bath, concentrating on work stuff. Composing thoughts isn't doable. Conversation has been a struggle. Most of the time, I loose track of whats going on at the office, Healthy debates,reports and analysis slowly diminished. I lost my closest friends and had a hard time gaining some. Personal Hygiene, like shaving, and self- improvement routine has gone,To the point that I slowly lose my Identity.  

I become the opposite of what mostly people and love ones expect of me, I felt I lost my sense of Identity. It took me quite some time to realize that I'm not getting younger, at the age of 28 turning 29 I felt I missed a lot of things that I should have accomplished.

One lazy Monday, I was searching the net for answers until I stumbled upon  a number of blogs and it finally struck-ed me that It's not just me whose having that struggle. I felt the emotion on every aspect of his context, a clear connection through his thoughts and pain.. and how he tries to fight back. which made me realize that "hey, the fuck is wrong with you". I was fascinated by his writing and how his emotion overflowed and created a spark. I know I'm not alone. That spark like a string of energy flowed to every single nerve on my body. Finally.. that spark serves a courage  and willingness to get back, Now. I can say I'm ready and will take one step at a time.

I'll use this space to Thank the author for his really nice and meaningful post. Now off to bed, its Monday.
Good morning everyone.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Lets Start


I don't know why I created a blog, probably to be more inclined with my emotions and personal state. With this I would able to release all my feelings, thoughts and ideas that no one could understand.

I hope to gauge my fate and strength infused ideas the world has. Gain friends and inputs everywhere in the world.

Okay.. its 4:35 am now manila time ( Wednesday) I just finished eating my so called " dinner " woke up on a so called hibernate because I was granted with a few days off.  I don't know why I took this off, maybe subconsciously, my body is begging for a pit stop and would want to ask for time off since I never gave a chance to slow down( holidays).

Its already 2011 been spending a quarter of my life, with the same old fate. I thank God for giving me all the strength to move on. At a young age, I never had a chance to be young, my thoughts and how my mind works is different. I came from a humble and educated family full of dreams, dreams that until now I would like to become. Along the time, I just realize that most of them  never came true. I envy those people who went through with it and is now in better shape, while I couldn't even take care of my self. am I stubborn? or maybe I just don't know what self discipline is? How can I seek the path that I should go. Those are just a few questions airing in my head. I felt I've wasted time and now haggling for it. I felt that my body, doesn't respond to things that I need to do. I wish Dr. Phil can help me. there's a need for a huge restructure. I wish i still have my mind when i was young, very strong, engaging and willingness to be mold. I felt I've been losing all that. I hope this new year will start another sacrifice, another hope to leap on poverty, depression, and forgiveness and new opportunities, friendship and self acceptance. I wish I could breathe free. I know there's a lot of things to make. Let me make this as a prayer. So Help me God.

I already consumed of a number of days and I have 1 more day to go and hopefully be re energized to stand the demands of "dungeon".

i think i need to go to bed now, its calling me, hope to see you all in the next day. take care